What I really feel about being an inpatient in the hospital.....

This weekend I am in the hospital and it’s given me the opportunity to contemplate what a horrible experience it really is. This is of course after my stark terror that we’d be unlucky enough to deliver Melinda into the world at 26 weeks because of some horrible cardiac arrhythmia. So now that I think she can wait I can rant. First of all let me say I can not communicate the profound immobilization and passification that results from just having an IV, being strapped to a monitor and being put in bed in an awkwardly shaped tablecloth (hospital gown.) Even now once my line is locked and my continuous monitoring of 17 hours is over I can’t move around well due these *expletive squishy boots that beep if I take them off for more than 5 minutes. I am not on bed rest so I could be doing *expletive jumping jacks in here. Instead I am tethered to the bed like a bad dog in the yard. The double gown is flappy and my leggings from Friday were dirtyish after 24 hours so now I can feel the back draft of the gown and it’s so large the various knots and folds are uncomfortable depending on my position in bed. Additionally, I can’t wash my hair (BIDMC has no shampoo and the shower in the room I was in after the hours of monitoring is pretty unusable because leaks, floods and has a water stream at nose level.) Oh and being pushed around in a wheelchair. What the hell?!! I can walk without endangering my baby, myself or anyone around me-usually. I get the feeling that if they let me wear street clothes and shoes I might run away so I guess they know me really well. This all made me feel trapped, dirty and helpless. Then I got angry. Why the hell should I have to wear these squishy boots? Because it’s a standard order that makes no sense for me. Why do I even have this itchy IV? Because it makes the doctor feel better. I can orally rehydrate or could IF I COULD GET AWAY FROM THE BED TO FILL MY WATER BOTTLE. Why do I have to wear this gown? Because it’s easier for the doctors and nurses to put the monitors on or clean me up—ok but my midwife accesses my gravid uterus in the office without a tablecloth style gown and I have no reason to have poop, pee or blood coming out of my lower orifices so grrrrrrrr. It’s not that I am an entitled hippy. I don’t need a yoga instructor, hot rock treatment, nice smells, a good view or decent food-all very nice, but it’s not a retreat or spa. I just don’t want to feel helpless or dirty. Really is that too much to ask? Yes, yes I know it is because doctors are busy, hospitals have worked this way for years and I am one tearful, hormonal and angry preggo. So what can I change? That’s right, I can change myself--good thing I am not an Anarchist or Nihilist. For this reason I decided to write: Elise’s guide to feeling less horrid during your inpatient (postpartum perhaps) stay: 1. Bring yoga pants or leggings to wear if you have no reason to get a pelvic in the hospital or if your vaginal bleeding is limited. Otherwise if your gushing mesh panties are awesome. 2. Wear a nursing or other soft sleeping bra. In my mind sleeping and bras are usually incompatible, but I find the coverage comforting when wearing a tablecloth. 3. Modify the tablecloth (oh I mean hospital gown.) You can go with the traditional 2 gowns one in the front or back or wear one with extra undergarments as above. Or you can bring a robe from home. The problem is you get really hot wearing all your clothes, but walking around naked for some reason does not seem like a comfortable option. 4. Bring your toiletries. You get some great presents in the hospital like the preparation H I scored last delivery at LGH, but you need some stuff too. Dry shampoo and comb/brush for me right now at this second given the leaky, flooding shower and lack of actual shampoo. (Are you skeptical that this is true? Then rest assured there is a pump soap of hand soap installed into the shower-I could be using that on my hair and it’s only my own vanity that prevents it.) My own toothbrush and toothpaste is nice. My own soap and moisturizer would be nice, but it seems like a lot to ask my husband to bring in given he is also schlepping a 4 year old. Chapstick perhaps. I have a coconut and lemon hand sanitizer I have here and I am tempted to use it just to feel normal. Sad. 5. Beyond being clean you might just want to have familiar smells around you. If I used perfume I might pack it. If I used a room freshener I might bring it (or tell people to bring it to you-so what if they have to go shopping prior to stopping by- it’s less fattening then Heavenly donuts or candy which they'll likely shop for and bring anyways.) A lot of hospitals discourage fresh flowers though scented flowers would be nice. Don’t spontaneously decided to buy all lavender scent or vanilla or whatever unless you try that stuff at home first. One of the reasons I avoid scents is because while nice ones are nice and the horrid ones are horrid. I have nightmares about the Yankee Candle shop just because of the overload. 6. You don’t have to have flowers, cards or anything elaborate, but taking control of decorating the room is a good idea. Even a photo (waterproof case for tears) of your family. Or flowers or fake flowers, a throw blanket from home. When you look around you should something that means something to you-anything. This lovely art on the walls is great, but I don’t give a hoot about it so I don’t feel anything reassuring or comforting when I look at it. 7. Part of controlling your environment is sound. If you have a kid with one of those noise generators steal it (you’re not putting the kid to bed your mom, sister or spouse can suffer a bit) or you could buy another. You could use a similar app on your phone or bring one of those speaker things for your phone. 8. WARNING do not plan to use your phone for everything. It’s a good backup, but it’s really for texting your friends and ignoring phone calls from nosy relatives. If you use it for video games, web surfing, music, online purchasing then it runs out of batteries so fast that you will be again cursing the multiple tethers that prevent you from plugging in the charger and phone. Ask a relative or nurse who’s already in the room to plug in and charge anything you need. Hmmm I wonder if I can bring an extension cord? That would be super useful. 9. Bring something else to play video games and read books on—your tablet-y thing. Or requisition one from a friend, relative, office mate. They love to help. Or have someone buy you a book and bring it to you or a newspaper if that’s your thing. 10. IF YOU ARE STUCK IN BED THEN PEOPLE SHOULD BE DOING THINGS FOR YOU ALL THE TIME. You need help. If someone comes to visit consider delegating something to them—all visitors should help you beyond their love and calming presence. If they are one of those relatives that doesn’t have a calm and loving presence then tell them you think it’s better if they visit you when you are not in the hospital. Or if they are say your mother and that’s not an option make them do extra stuff that involves long errands to find things at the hospital gift shop or local pharmacy. If I seem like a bad person consider who raised me. VISITORS SHOULD IMPROVE YOUR DAY-if they don’t send them away, or tell them not to visit. You can say, “I would love to visit or visit more, but I feel so tired right now I might need to catch up on a nap and rest.” Also you can, SIC THE NURSE ON THEM. Nurses understand annoying relatives since they have to deal with every patient’s annoying relatives every day in their job and they really do want you to get rest. 11. Eat well and plan to eat. For those of you on advancing or limited diets skip to the part about the relatives at the bottom of this paragraph. Eat regularly as much and as healthy and familiar as you can. It also means if they are going to put you on the monitor or take you to ultrasound at a particular time you should get your food ordered early or get extra the meal before to be prepared. I love to eat and this is where BIDMC is great!! I can call for a tray for myself and a visitor anytime 6:30am-7pm. The nice ladies on the phone tell me to add more to the tray!! This is why I ate tater tots this morning of course not because I would have ever ordered them without prompting. My kid loves the food here too. Also, I am someone who takes a lot of comfort in food hording. Try not to go nuts, but send people to the snack room for snacks you might want later (like at 11pm.) Don’t worry the cost of the small items you stack by your bedside will be covered by the bill for the *expletive squish boots that you may or may not need. This part is true if you are on a limited or full diet: If your relatives want to bring you food great, but you only have to eat what you want to or what your allowed to eat. Tell your mom that donuts on a liquid diet are not ok and advise her you will donate them to the wonderful nursing staff if she brings them. Feel free to have the nurse throw out any yucky family food in a garbage can outside the room when the visitors leave so no one feels too hurt. Keep in mind that people are also NOT allowed to eat anything in front of you that you can’t have. Ditto they are not allowed to eat anything that will gross you out ie smells yucky to you etc. They can go eat that in the cafeteria-KICK THEM OUT. Also, DRINK all the time (presuming your not preop.) You should have those giant water carafes filled at bedside with ice if you like it at all times. If there is not water within reach of you and you are pregnant or post preg then YOU NEED TO RING THE BELL. Really I am very, very serious; every nurse and doctor will agree that water is the best medicine. They will still try to pour it into your veins, but do not think that this replaces oral rehydration-it just makes the doctor feel better and makes you feel like you aren’t in charge anymore. 12. Maintain regular schedule. Ok that’s impossible. But you can control when the lights are on or the drapes up in your room. You could do this yourself at home, but in the hospital just ask. Even the nice cleaning lady or ring the bell. There are aids to help and really if the nurse has to come to your room and too much she might decide to advise the doctor to discontinue those squishy boots. Also, keep in your head a list of things you need help with and when the nurse comes in to medically care for you she can pull the drape, plug in your charger, help you go to the bathroom, and kick out your Aunt Pat who has overstayed her welcome. Don’t watch too much TV; naps are really better though keep them under 2 hours unless you just pushed a baby out or had surgery. 13. Exercise and use your body if possible. Neck releases and bed yoga might be good. Perhaps hand massages? Walks to the solarium... 14. You get the idea. I’ll make an addendum to this with my hospital go list. So far: chapstick; robe; deodorant; cough drops; knee socks (to go under squish boots if no leggings;) moisturizer or hand massage gel; hand sanitizer; brush; baby wipes; bicycle shorts or leggings; noise generator; extension cord; sleep mask; sleep nursing bra; fingernail clippers; nursing and post baby compatable clothing. Well that’s all for now. I’m done with this rant. Happy hospitaling.